I am, therefore I write

Random musings on my life and the world

Do I really want to go there?

on May 1, 2011

Yesterday was my 28th wedding anniversary. I ignored it. My husband forgot about it (almost 100% sure on that one). This is becoming a regular practice. I don’t remember being very focused on the last few anniversaries actually.

Established: we are not and never have been party people. We don’t go out of our way to celebrate our own life moments like birthdays or anniversaries. Ironically my husband and I were born on the same day, just two years apart. I think this helps him remember some sort of vague connection when that day in September rolls around. We are both at the age when remembering and acknowledging birthdays is not necessarily the best option.

Lots of things have changed since our wedding day in 1983. LOTS. We most definitely are not the same people we were then. I’m not sure who those people were actually. They have been swallowed up by work, life and age. Flashes of the original show up every now and then, but there just isn’t enough left of the originals to sustain much spark. I know the clichés, we hear them all the time:

Life changes.  

People change.

You have to work to maintain.

Blah, blah, blah, etc., etc., etc.

Do I mind that yesterday went unacknowledged? I would be lying if I said it was hurtful, that I am disappointed or angry. If I really had wanted an acknowledgment, I would have reminded him a few days ago. Sadly, I was more interested in re-living the old days; the fresh, young, newly married days by tuning in to a royal wedding. I enjoyed that for what is was though, not for what I had 28 years ago, not for the forgotten words and moments, the memories, the plans and hopes and dreams that may or may not have materialized in almost 3 decades.

I am not complacent. I do not feel contented nor self-satisfied. I am not smug. I am living the life that was directed  for myself, that has been chosen and formed over the last 28 years. Is it what I imagined or hoped for: no. Although this answer is based on what I think I may have been seeking. Will the remaining days and years ever be what I imagined: probably not, but to be absolutely honest, I don’t really remember what I was imagining on April 30th 1983. I can’t re-write the past, I can influence but not change, if I choose to, the future. I can just let things play out as they may since, my belief system tells me that I will end up as I was meant to, no matter what comes along the way because there is no such thing as free-will.

So, in the big picture, remembering an anniversary or birthday or whatever is nice, but forgetting those same events may simply be just the way life, my life, was supposed to be. Ultimately, the outcome of yesterday would not have changed had we looked longingly into each others eyes and whispered, “Happy Anniversary”, or given some sort of gifts to each other. I am ok with that.

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