Standing outside looking in

Do you notice the counter over there to the right? Six days until my son weds.

This process has been surreal and it’s not hard to admit that I feel more like a simple guest planning to go to a wedding next weekend than someone who’s son is the groom.

Do all mothers of the groom feel this way? Is their role less defined because they don’t have the all important bride on their side to plan with, shop with, stress over things with?

I have this strange illusion that I will be watching everything unfold from a vantage point somewhere outside of the real process, going in the direction to which I am pointed, sitting where I am told and generally being a bystander.

I wonder if I did this myself, put myself in this position or if it truly is sort of the way things go when you have a son. I know that I didn’t want to be the person who had to worry about schedules on “the day” but I’m not so sure that this message didn’t somehow get transferred over into “well, she doesn’t want to do anything.”

I suspect that idea is just my imagination, as I have offered many times to take on tasks and have had my input and suggestions asked for. I think the reality is that this bride and groom have undertaken a simple ceremony, have worked together as a couple and have utilized many ideas and aspects from the recent wedding of the brides sister.

Quite possibly I’m just feeling more of that pulling away as my son creates his own family and I’m not ready to let those early, wistful childhood days go.

I’m feeling much more of a sense of loss with this wedding than I ever did with my oldest daughter. There is a finality about all this, an odd sensation that things will never be the same between myself and my son, even though I haven’t really been able to define who and what we are to each other in quite some time.

I foresee a difficult week ahead as conflicting emotions are rather overwhelming right now and the sadness I feel seems disproportionate to the happiness I am supposed to feel and the joy I am probably supposed to display.

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5 thoughts on “Standing outside looking in”

    1. Sue, I think that I will enjoy the day because he is marrying a wonderful woman. I just think that this day seems to be marking something about our relationship that I can’t put my finger on-not bad just not what I have with my girls.

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