Well F***

Life is definitely not all puppies and roses and sunshine for me, but I thought that I was at a point in my life where most things were settled or at least muddling along in some manner without too much undo chaos.

Today however, I learned this is not the case and I feel as if I am now completely thrust back to my early 20’s, family issues and craziness mounting all around, and I am square in the middle all over again.

F***

F***

F***

Out of some degree of respect for the unavailable and unknowing parties who have no manner to speak in this forum I will keep most of the details incognito for now.

Suffice to say a family member has been playing a communication game with me without my knowledge. This game involves doling out information in bits and pieces while surreptitiously cloaking a good deal of important stuff. Important stuff that only someone who is impaired can, and will, hide.

Does that surprise me? Well, sort of, although substance abuse has long been rampant in my family so my reaction is more one of anger that the substance of choice, in this case alcohol, has once more presumably gotten the better of someone. I am also rather pissed, after having lived through this once before, that I was unable to see any signs. In my defense though, the communication involved has not been face to face, and is often random, so I can understand missing most of the signs.

I have just learned that my gut, which was telling me one thing is probably right, at least to some extent, and that now, after taking sides if you will, I am stuck in a situation that I have no idea how to get out of.

It all involves words and lies and cover-ups and just stupid, stupid actions and I don’t want to be here. Nothing illegal, but definitely not a place I want to be. I now have these visions of upending a relationship much like I did with my alcoholic mother. She was a drunk who was mean, hurtful, belligerent and nasty. To save myself and my own family I chose to leave her out of my life for many years. My last contact with her, after many years of separation, was during the few weeks of her life as she was hospitalized and dying.

I am not the recipient of the emotion trauma in this case, but part of the reason that this is so frustrating is that I also just learned that another relative is. So here I am, stuck in the middle, pissed off, feeling cheated and lied to, and facing the ultimate decision to call the liar out and tell them I know.

It would be easy if this person was anyone else in their relationship to me. While not close in age, we are close by parentage. This was sort of the one last person who I thought was not among the crazies in my family. It is truly uncomfortable to find out that the crazy has touched most everyone, and scary to think of where it could go next.

Thank you for listening to me vent. I am no closer to an answer however.

 

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