If you have a partner, spouse, significant other…anyone that you share finances with…did you have a discussion regarding the whole concept of yours, mine and ours when it comes to money, or more precisely how that money is spent?
I’ve been married for 31 years. I don’t think that we ever sat down and officially drew up a plan or agreement about our incomes. At the time he was in the military and I worked in the dental profession. Military pay is calculated by rank. My pay was set at the going standard at the time. My money and his money was simply our money. We didn’t delineate a yours and mine.
Time marched on, careers changed, grew, and evolved. Work circumstances always ebb and flow. I was a stay-at-home mom for many years, although I did work part-time teaching and my hourly pay level then was significant. I just didn’t work very much. I returned to dentistry and worked back up the pay ladder. My particular job at the time was notorious for not recognizing employees or for compensating them fairly. I had to ask for every raise that I received for over six years. I finished my career in the dental field in an office that was very generous. For now, I get the opportunity to be a grandma, and have a great time with Miss G. My employers and I have worked out a feasible financial arrangement and I am grateful for that. Essentially though, I consider myself unemployed.
My husband had pay raises as rank was achieved, then moved into a comfortable career, financially, working for a large, local airplane manufacturing company. Because of his military career, because his job took him away for extended periods of time, I took the role of financial CEO in our family and that never changed.
Well come on Deb, what in the world are you getting at here…do we really care that you are doing well and have the ability to take some time to just be a grandma?
Readers I don’t expect you to care, but my main point is that the background information should make it clear that there was never really a time that income was divided in our family. Even now, with my income contribution at about 2/3 less per month than it used to be, the words have never been spoken regarding any change in our assumed what’s mine is yours status.
My question then is, why in the world does it irk me to no end that my husband will spend a sum of money each month on a purchase that I find needless? The sum of money is $250. The purchase is for a food associated with a diet plan. He makes enough to cover this cost without issue.
I am irked, no-I am pissed off- that he continues to order this food and spend that money each month. I am not pissed off that he is spending that amount of money, but that he is spending it on diet food. I have no reason to complain about the amount as someone with my same name invested a great deal more recently on a college education. I am however pissed off that:
1) This diet plan has been an on again-off again thing that he has done for years. That may clue you in to the fact that it doesn’t work.
2) It doesn’t work because, after the first time completing the plan, and then reordering more food, he decided to modify the plan to suit his needs and wants.
3) His needs and wants include barely following the plan, getting no exercise, (as is recommended) sneaking and/or blatantly eating foods not allowed, disregarding the entire process on the weekends, and drinking alcohol which is frowned upon.
4) He has started and stopped this plan so often that I don’t find the process healthy, along with the fact that he clearly has no real intention to lose weight.
5) He (I believe) is simply ordering the food to have snacks and meals at work, then come home and do all the above that is not meant to be a part of the program.
6) This money (our money of which I have little contribution to) is being spent for a glorified snack when he could just as easily, and for much less, buy a few boxes of granola bars and some soup and pack those for lunch.
Reader I am almost positive that you are reading this and saying to yourselves well why the hell doesn’t she just take this up with him.
That is an excellent question. The answer is that I need an opinion. Do I have the right to be pissed off? Am I being petty? Should I just look the other way?
For so many reasons that I won’t burden you with now in this arena let me just say, the man is overweight-greatly overweight, perhaps he might be classified as obese, I am not sure. I know that he is not healthy. As the weight has increased, so have his health issues, and his line-up of medications grows larger as his waistline increases. He has significant issues with food, and the reasons for that are many, and stem very much from his childhood I believe. Here again, without a short novel as back story I know that you cannot hope to comprehend just this one issue in its entirety. There are so many more, and those issues are what keep me from writing about him and our relationship, on this blog.
The reality is that I am pissed off not about money, but about his slowly working to kill himself. We cannot discuss change. We cannot discuss guilt or the fact that he is 57 years old and may not be around to see 67, or 77, or 87. Communication is not a thing that we do. We do silence very well. I am pissed of by the fact that I must sit by and watch. I am pissed off by many other things, but this one is prominent at the moment.
Readers, I know that you cannot solve this, but I appreciate that you are a captive audience, and can at least let me write these words and publish this post and share this, for I share very little regarding this man and the place that we find ourselves at this time.