You got to know when to hold ’em…know when to walk away…that time is now.

www.bubblews.com
http://www.bubblews.com

Where to begin except to simply begin.

I am saying adios to blogging for a time. I’m not deleting the blog. I’m not going away entirely. I am just feeling very much like what I write, or even if I write, will be for myself for now.

I want to be succinct here, but I know that I won’t be. Getting to the point and moving on is supposed to be easy, but I struggle every day with issues related to points, and decisions, and moving beyond, or forward. Those things have formed a circular pattern that, right now, I can’t seem to get myself out of. I know what I need. I know what I need to do, and I feel stuck swirling around a black hole because I simply can’t finish the process.

I started this blog on another site as an extension of a personal journal written about me for my kids. I don’t think they really cared, and that writing became difficult to sustain. I made some life decisions and felt as if I had found a new voice, one that I might be able to share in a more public way. Thus IATIW evolved. This blog has always been a glorified journal, although at various times I’ve tried to engage in dialog pertaining to more than just my occasional vacation, or senile cat, or garden, or granddaughter. I have the exposure to academics to thank for those attempts at broader commentary. All of the conversations that have focused on social issues have been so very important to me and to sustaining this blog for the last 4 years. Yet, if I am honest with you and myself, every post-every conversation-every new idea or journey documented here, has not led to the satisfaction that I think I need or deserve.

I’ve spent a great deal of time looking back lately, over old posts. Some were simply hangers-on from the original site. Others were the frivolous thoughts and random junk that would have been better placed on a FB status update, or simply kept to myself. Those are mostly all gone from the archives. When, or if this blog makes a return, especially if the return is in this format, I want the posts that remain to be ones that created conversations, that allowed me to get to know other bloggers, that allowed me to make some wonderful online friends. Many would have cautioned me not to remove the odds and ends. Those posts were a part of a specific time and place in my blogging world. They told a story even if I believe them to be inconsequential. Maybe, at some point, I will regret that they are gone.

I’ve also spent a great deal of time reading, really reading, the messages presented by the blogs that I follow. I’ve said before, I follow blogs for reasons that resonate with me. Some are very deep and personal blogs. Others are lighter, with the writers clearly meaning to highlight the positives in their lives and bring humor to the bloggers who read their posts. Each blog serves a separate purpose. I looked once more at my words. It’s been 4 years and I still don’t know my purpose. I still remain unable to say what I really hold inside. And I question if screaming all those thoughts and emotions to the blogging world is really what I want to present anyway. There are days that I find so much negativity in both the world around me, and in my own emotions and words. I feel a weight growing heavier because I can’t seem to find the key that will allow me to write what I think I want to write. I’m tired of writing here with the inability to form a true direction. Sunshine and roses and bluffing my way through happy posts isn’t in the cards either. Why pretend to be happy when the truth is I’m not.

All of this… all of the doubts about why I write, about the content and purpose of this blog, about expression and voice and who or what I am is absolutely a reflection of the me you don’t know away from these pages. That person needs to work on figuring out what is, what to do and where to head. Dragging you all along through what often seems like never-ending cycles of complaints and indecision isn’t fair, isn’t gratifying, and isn’t necessary, although so many of you deserve high praise for your words and comments as I have jumped from place to place and idea to idea.

How long away, and what the end result will be is unknown. I still have a powerful need to write. When my fingers are too long away from a keyboard I feel physically driven to put something down, to let the world know that I’m still searching and trying. That need may explain some of the drivel that is now gone from my older pages.

I have no intention of not being involved with all of you though. The blogs that I read and interact with feel like a lifeline much of the time. You all allow me to begin, or end my days with friendship, and that is a gift that I’m not about to put aside. I will be reading, and commenting, and waiting anxiously for news about houses, and animals, and personal growth, and retirement, and careers, and activism.

Thank you all for your friendship, for what and how you write, for sharing yourselves, and for allowing me to hold you as a continued presence in my world.

Deb

 

 

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24 thoughts on “You got to know when to hold ’em…know when to walk away…that time is now.”

  1. Hi Deb , I have just found your blog and you are leaving ! I have been following the Farmy blog and as I am fairly new to blogging I am in a way being taken over by it….. I just want to read and find more people to share the awesomeness of it all, BUT at the same time I need to step away and get on with my busy lifestyle.
    http://UMPTEENTHINGS.WORDPRESS.COM

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    1. Hello Roz, thanks for stopping 🙂 I have been away for a bit, but not giving up on the blog altogether. I have come back in a small way for the April A-Z Challenge then will most likely be writing again after so I do hope you stick around and check back. It can get overwhelming, if you let it–all about balance and that great ‘pants pause’ that Celie mentioned on thekitchensgarden 🙂 Isn’t she great!

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    1. Thanks Britt. It’s been nice to step away from the writing end of this adventure and just focus on reading my favorite blogs. I love the idea of a scheduled blogging break every year-I may pencil that in from now on 🙂

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  2. I hope you stay in touch, Deb. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts and I think I can understand your need to step back and take a break from blogging. I’ve been absent from WordPress myself for a while, taking care of other projects but hope to get back into the swing of things soon. I will be on the lookout for your return.

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  3. What an interesting, thoughtful, honest post. Thank you for putting it out there. And I’m glad you’re not going away entirely. I know I will come back and read this post again.

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    1. Thank you so much. I feel tired, and overwhelmed, and as if I am churning out inconsequential drivel a lot of the time. I don’t want a major revision, nor necessarily a ‘writing blog.’ I just want to be honest and right now it’s not easy, or okay to do that.

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      1. One of the main things I tell myself about my own blog is not to make a “job” out it and start thinking in terms of musts & shoulds. I made myself an ongoing deal that I’d write only when I felt moved to.

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  4. I do hope you attain that sense of purpose and peace you’re looking for through writing. In the meantime, I’m gonna dive into this blog’s archive and read what I’ve been missing.

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    1. Thanks. I figure I will either achieve a step forward toward gaining a voice or find that writing will never materialize for me…The archive has dwindled considerably lately as noted in that final post so I hope you can find something worthwhile or amusing still lurking around 🙂

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      1. The single most important thing I’ve learned about writing in my short time on this planet is that it never manifests itself the way you want to. It never will. But with practice you get that much closer.

        “Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout with some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.”
        — George Orwell

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        1. This is good advice, and already being aware of what my own demon is, I knew that to write I had to be removed from my original blog for a time. Believe me, I’m still writing- still doing the practice thing, just in a more private way for now.

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  5. I suspect this last statement of yours is on target… that what you desperately want to write will be set free as you take care of yourself. I believe in following your gut (that’s advice I would not give my brother, Sherman, however). I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever you do, in whatever direction this decision takes you. I also hope to still see you around! Your feedback and insights are always some of my very favorite!!

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  6. I hear what you are saying, absolutely, and you have my support (again, absolutely) as you search, and find, and perhaps search again. I hope that reading & commenting will continue to fit with your journey, as you have provided a meaningful audience and conversant for me and, I have no doubt, many others.

    (That’s my selfish wish. Here’s my wish just for you:)

    Finding the incarnation of self that works for you is such a precious quest! Same goes for one’s relationship with words. I am excited for you, and wish you all the best!

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    1. Thank you. It actually felt right to push publish this morning on this post. Existing behind half lived thoughts and emotions, and searching for fulfillment through words that never quite seem to really express what I live every day isn’t really the way I saw myself at 55. Maybe the words that I desperately want to write will be set free once I manage to take care of myself.

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      1. I suspect so. All stories start from within, in my experience, and demand nourishment there first. My own lifelong desperation to write — something, ANYTHING — amounted to nothing before I figured out how (and what) to heal.

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  7. As my ballet teacher says, you do you. I’ll miss your posts, but I’m glad you’ll still be around TDP when you can, and I hope the break does its work and helps you get back on a path that is more fulfilling.

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