Snowflake

Thursday–I will be saying my final goodbye to this beautiful old kitty later today.20160811_122816

She has been living with Alison since August, but over the last few weeks, her tired body has been slowly failing. Neither of us can ask her to stay around any longer and so we will ease her out of our world gently and with love tonight.

Thank you sweet girl, for choosing our home, and for filling so many years with snuggles and scratches and even some frustration. Our hearts are breaking and the tears won’t stop.

We love you…

Friday–We spent many hours just holding and loving this girl last night, but now our baby is gone. She went without fear or pain cradled in Alison’s arms thanks to an amazing vet who was so very gentle and loving.

 

 

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Eyes Wide Open

Not only has it become clear that my marriage has failed, but I have recently had the great pleasure to confirm that my eyes are failing me as well.

I know that in some past post many months, maybe years, ago I mentioned that my optometrist noted the beginning of cataracts, especially in my right eye. My latest eye exam, and yes I waited too long but my excuse is that I have had other things on my plate, showed that those small beginning changes are now ever thickening lenses and surely ready for surgery. Woohoo! I cannot tell you how much joy I felt upon learning that doctors with sharp tipped instruments and microscopic suctions will be messing around within my eyeball.

Don’t misunderstand. I love surgery. I am fascinated with surgery. If fully capable and allowed I would cut on any body part presented to me. I have even watched minor surgical procedures being done to me and found those experiences rather odd, but amazing.

However, I am incredibly creeped out by the idea of someone, no matter how highly skilled they might be, slicing anywhere near the vicinity of my eyeball. Rational Debbie knows that this is no big deal. Irrational Debbie is finding lots of imagined ways that this could be a really big deal. It also does not help to read patient reviews of procedures (not necessarily cataract surgery) that have somehow gone awry.

Rational Debbie will truly be glad to be able to see without this now very noticeable cloud marring her vision. Irrational Debbie just hopes she still has vision when all is said and done.

Dereliction

Hello, my name is Debbie, and I’m a derelict blogger. Some of you may vaguely remember me. I think this blog has been around for 6 years or so, but this last year has marked the greatest disuse this blog has ever seen. Just in case you need a memory jolt I used to write on things like seaside adventures, education, feminism, nature, women, but mostly just random stuff that came to mind. And sometimes I would rant. Ranting was rather fun, and cathartic, but maybe not so useful unless you were me, but then that all changed when I admitted to the fact that my marriage was crap, had been for ages, and that I was in a place where failure was the buzzword with a capital F.

You may also remember, or not, because it’s been so freakin’ long since I put my fingers on a keyboard, that I sort of vowed not to fill this blog with all my despair and woe and bitching and hatred about my life. I will always read your blogs, and empathize with your despair and woe and bitching and hatred, but I was loath to put you through all that when it centered on me personally. I know you all would be supportive, and kind, and perhaps even offer up some words of wisdom, but it just felt wrong to unload on you, especially when so many other things in the world were mounting toward their own long dark road into despair and woe.

For old times sake, a small rant…

I am referring specifically to the farce that is are political system and to the outcome of that thing we are forced to call an election, and to the ass backward road we are headed down and to the fact that this country will continue to be mired in racism, sexism, ageism, homophobia, xenophobia, hatred and killing, stupidity and uncertainty for much longer than the next 4 years. With all that crap going on, and now all the crap we must endure going forward, no one…none of you that I consider my blogging inner circle…needed to read about my anger and tears and hatred and inability to simply live life for myself and be the person I know that I am.

End of rant…

I had to remember who that woman was, and how strong she used to be, and how much I liked her. I had to come to terms with the racism and sexism and homophobia and xenophobia and hatred and stupidity and uncertainty that mired my own marriage and that I chose to overlook for so long. That dual reality is the only thing that I will acknowledge as being beneficial surrounding the political system, election process and our soon to be new President. I had to accept that those things were never going to change, that responsibility will always be a word my spouse cannot define or embrace. I had to turn over, again and again in my mind, in the darkness of a spare bedroom that I made my own, just how wrong I had been. I was naive, but I also enabled. I married an image, mostly created in my own mind. I chose to believe the shallow and hollow words and never forced anything more. I sat back and played a role and I lost myself in the process.

That was Thursday’s writing. We are now at Sunday. Alright I know, slipping up already, but come on, you just don’t drop derelict status and jump back into blogging everyday…

You know that I don’t do a lot of pictures on this blog to break up the words and distract you so that you keep reading, so I am going to keep this short, finish it today, post it, and give myself a reason to write the next post in a few days, or weeks, or months…

Bottom line, I am moving forward with divorce. There is nothing here that even remotely brings me hope and I finally have the courage to take a stand and stop this farce. I will not live another 10, 20, maybe even 40 years, being miserable. I have no idea what I will face in the future. I have no idea what life will be like, but I have to believe that even with uncertainty and likely rough going, I will be a million times happier. More than that even, I will be proud to have restored my ability to like myself. It’s been way too long since I could say that I was proud of myself as a woman and a fighter. I am not wasting any more time…