Dereliction

Hello, my name is Debbie, and I’m a derelict blogger. Some of you may vaguely remember me. I think this blog has been around for 6 years or so, but this last year has marked the greatest disuse this blog has ever seen. Just in case you need a memory jolt I used to write on things like seaside adventures, education, feminism, nature, women, but mostly just random stuff that came to mind. And sometimes I would rant. Ranting was rather fun, and cathartic, but maybe not so useful unless you were me, but then that all changed when I admitted to the fact that my marriage was crap, had been for ages, and that I was in a place where failure was the buzzword with a capital F.

You may also remember, or not, because it’s been so freakin’ long since I put my fingers on a keyboard, that I sort of vowed not to fill this blog with all my despair and woe and bitching and hatred about my life. I will always read your blogs, and empathize with your despair and woe and bitching and hatred, but I was loath to put you through all that when it centered on me personally. I know you all would be supportive, and kind, and perhaps even offer up some words of wisdom, but it just felt wrong to unload on you, especially when so many other things in the world were mounting toward their own long dark road into despair and woe.

For old times sake, a small rant…

I am referring specifically to the farce that is are political system and to the outcome of that thing we are forced to call an election, and to the ass backward road we are headed down and to the fact that this country will continue to be mired in racism, sexism, ageism, homophobia, xenophobia, hatred and killing, stupidity and uncertainty for much longer than the next 4 years. With all that crap going on, and now all the crap we must endure going forward, no one…none of you that I consider my blogging inner circle…needed to read about my anger and tears and hatred and inability to simply live life for myself and be the person I know that I am.

End of rant…

I had to remember who that woman was, and how strong she used to be, and how much I liked her. I had to come to terms with the racism and sexism and homophobia and xenophobia and hatred and stupidity and uncertainty that mired my own marriage and that I chose to overlook for so long. That dual reality is the only thing that I will acknowledge as being beneficial surrounding the political system, election process and our soon to be new President.Β I had to accept that those things were never going to change, that responsibility will always be a word my spouse cannot define or embrace. I had to turn over, again and again in my mind, in the darkness of a spare bedroom that I made my own, just how wrong I had been. I was naive, but I also enabled. I married an image, mostly created in my own mind. I chose to believe the shallow and hollow words and never forced anything more. I sat back and played a role and I lost myself in the process.

That was Thursday’s writing. We are now at Sunday. Alright I know, slipping up already, but come on, you just don’t drop derelict status and jump back into blogging everyday…

You know that I don’t do a lot of pictures on this blog to break up the words and distract you so that you keep reading, so I am going to keep this short, finish it today, post it, and give myself a reason to write the next post in a few days, or weeks, or months…

Bottom line, I am moving forward with divorce. There is nothing here that even remotely brings me hope and I finally have the courage to take a stand and stop this farce. I will not live another 10, 20, maybe even 40 years, being miserable. I have no idea what I will face in the future. I have no idea what life will be like, but I have to believe that even with uncertainty and likely rough going, I will be a million times happier. More than that even, I will be proud to have restored my ability to like myself. It’s been way too long since I could say that I was proud of myself as a woman and a fighter. I am not wasting any more time…

 

 

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22 thoughts on “Dereliction”

  1. I was wondering when you would make that move. Divorce is scarey but you’ll be just fine and I know you will be much happier with the constant daily stress gone. I am just down the road if you need me. I would love to see you.

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  2. I feel a little awkward writing about the loss that I’ve experienced this year. I wonder, are my readers getting annoyed, like get over it already, but when I read this post, I feel like I want to be part of the good and the bad in the lives of the bloggers I read like you. Maybe they feel the same about me. I am glad you are taking steps back. I hope that you will be able to process the bad parts as well as the good and feel supported by your blogging community.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I definitely have wanted to be a part of your journey so no annoyance from this reader at all, but I did/do continue to wonder if there is a line. I definitely didn’t want to be the one who crossed waaayyy over that line and posted day after day reliving, rehashing and bemoaning my last 33 years of choices and bad decisions. So I had lots of conversations in my head- over and over again- until I got sick of hearing myself. Then bingo–my answer: get your ass in gear and fix this! Honestly I think we are both grieving a loss, but your story and loss did not come about by failure, but a process that one day we all go through both as the survivor and then as the loved one who is memorialized with wonderful words and stories. We are a community, and I appreciate your support πŸ™‚

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  3. It is so good to see you. I haven’t been reading blogs much the last few months, but I’m trying to get back to it; it’s so much less stressful and more nurturing here (generally) than on my other online hangouts.

    Really, though? What I really, really, really want to write is pretty close to “ditto Alice.” That last paragraph was powerful. Reading it, I wanted to cry and cheer at once.

    I’m rooting for you from afar.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. writing can be cathartic! Can’t begin to imagine the inner angst you have been carrying….Being stuck in unhealthy patterns is part of being human….both Mrs DM and I have done that plenty of times…but it is also amazing how when one of us have gotten to that point where we say/ enough is enough..I am not going to take it any more, how it does kindle a renewed sense of hope and energy. The relationships closest to me, have been the hardest getting to get to that point… (with my dad, uncle, and a pastor) because as you say, there is the unknown of what might happen…but restoring my sense of self and personal identity (at least as I understand life) is too precious to let someone else continue to tun rough shod over. I really do get what is at stake….

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    1. Thanks DM. It took some time, but it finally sunk in that that my indecision and overthinking of ‘what might be’ was going to hold me back forever if I didn’t just take the leap I knew I needed to take.

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