Neglect

It is clearly apparent that my head has not been invested in anything much but getting out and away for so very long now.

My spouse has been attempting to get bids to have some of the interior of our shared home painted. This has to be done before it can go on the market for sale. Actually, it’s not that I have had no knowledge that these walls are long past due for a painting, but when you find yourself feeling defeated day after day things like paint don’t really seem to matter.

Some rooms are okay as is, but the majority of the downstairs, and the staircase area itself MUST be painted. The last time new paint touched these areas was when I did the entire house by myself years and years ago. Thankfully the situation isn’t to this point…yet.

Walls_Paintflaking_66_01

There are also a few outdoor chores to accomplish as well, but the reality is that, after putting a new roof on last summer, the money in our shared savings account has dwindled considerably. Of course, neither of us will/can draw from retirement accounts at this point so our mutual understanding is that we do what we can with what we have left and call it good.

There’s a home two doors down from us just put on the market about 1 week ago. It is our exact home, simply with the floor plan reversed. It was actually the model home way back in 1992 when we toured this development.

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Their home, not ours

This couple has always taken great care with their home and they have listed it at a price higher than I think we can attempt. I’m so very curious though, to see how quickly they can sell. The housing market here, like many places, is booming for sellers, so even though ours will be rather rough I have hope.

Where to begin…

How about this:

If everything continues on the path that my feet have been walking over the last month or so I believe that I will officially be a single woman by August.

I need to say that again.

I have every hope, barring any unforeseen disasters, that my divorce will be complete before the summer is over.

I move ahead each day now with that goal, that magical final end in my sights, and it is amazing how that knowledge has changed my outlook about so many things.

For so long I dreaded the telling, ran from the conversation that had to happen between my spouse and myself. When the day came, and his reaction was clean and simple and as straightforward as one could wish for, I saw the tightly closed door finally begin to open.

When, after just a few short and specific conversations, we had agreed to every aspect of ending our marriage, the door opened a bit more.

There have been hiccups, because life and dreams and goals don’t always happen in a straight, uninterrupted line, but the irony of those hiccups is that they have been caused by others. My husband and I both see a clear road out of this marriage and we both have the same goal.

Our agreement and movement and determination aren’t really a surprise. I know that he was miserable. I also know that, while I spent 34 years attempting to disregard the clear knowledge that we are two totally different people, he can’t be characterized as a monster. Irony shows me that it is possible, when we find a topic that we both agree on, that we can actually move forward and get the job done. Irony is also trying very hard not to push the fact that the agreeable topic turns out to be ending our marriage…

While there’s a good deal more to tell, I will save some of the stories for another time.

It just seemed important to say (write) these words, to acknowledge this fact, and to watch the door swing wider each day.

On Responsibility…

I’ve been pondering on that word a lot lately- responsibility and the taking of it, the lack of it, the inability to accept it, the fear of it…

What allows some people to easily step up, claim their place and do their just duty in the realm of responsibility while others do everything that they can to avoid it.

I know that it’s easy to imagine the worst, to invent in your mind all of the bad and wrong and horrid outcomes that might come from taking responsibility. I’m guilty of doing that very thing. But what about claiming and owning and feeling empowered by the knowing that you did step up, speak out, say “Yep, it was me, or I’m the one and I take responsibility for it…”

All those old sociology texts packed away in a cardboard box in my closet would probably tell me that we learn responsibility from our surroundings; from watching the people we are closest to as they step up, do the right thing, and take responsibility. I can’t argue with that. I believe that. We learn by example. We as humans are heavily influenced by our social groups and environment.

I also have a social psych book buried in that box somewhere as well. I remember being fascinated by that class. It was the perfect marriage between the social and the personal, the environment and the inherent aspects of the self that may, or may not influence us to be who we are. I loved learning how the two disciplines can work side by side. I always believed (still do) that sociology and psychology are not mutually exclusive. We are complex beings, and believing that there is only one way to define our behaviors seems rather elitist and ill-conceived to me.

In my world right now, with this focus on responsibility muddling up my thoughts, I’m even more convinced of the complexity between the inside and the outside.

Shameless promotion

By way of introduction:

  1. I’m a mom, and it is my duty to shamelessly tell you about all the wonderful, amazing, creative, and sometimes even awe-inspiring things that my 3 adult children do.
  2. I have the cheapest (meaning FREE) WordPress plan. I cannot download audio files with this plan so I apologize because obviously it would make this entire post much more relevant and perhaps also inspire more folks to listen without having to go to extra steps.
  3.  My son, who works in the analytics industry by day, just produced this album:

https://sayspeaker.bandcamp.com/releases

This is where I am cursing lightly under my breath, because you will now have to possibly copy and paste this url into another window to hear it. Again, I am sorry for my cheapness frugal options when it comes to working with WordPress. Most of you should be able to simply click the link obviously, but the impact with the album art IN the post would have been spectacular.

Please take a moment to listen. And please feel free, if you enjoy what you hear, to also take a moment to help me shamelessly promote this site/album on any and all social media that you might have at your disposal.

I might be rather biased, but I think it’s pretty good.

Here’s Looking At You

Because I can now, look at you and see you that is, at least with my right eye.

The cataract in that eye is gone as of 3pm yesterday. Broken up and sucked out and gone.

What a surreal experience all of that was, but I feel it might be best to spare you some of the gory details. I will say, mostly because I never believed it when everyone said, “Easiest surgery you will ever have!” that it’s true. ‘Those people’ aren’t lying, nor have they been paid to tell you how simple and life changing 6 minutes can be. Yep, 6 minutes from the time the surgeon rolled his chair up to my head to the time the tape went on my new eye. So believe it, and don’t worry about it, if you ever face this surgery like I have been doing for the past two months.

I will share that my nurse-anesthetist, Kevin, was rather gorgeous. It was truly a shame that after loading my eye with lidocaine that he then placed a hefty patch over it while I waited to go into the surgical suite.

They warned me after, during post-op instructions, that glare, even from simple daylight, might be an issue for awhile. I even got some special glasses, which I have not worn not because they don’t help, but because I don’t feel like I’m quite so much a senior anymore and we all know what it means when we see those white haired seniors wandering around with those very dark glasses…

My world is brighter however, now that I am not living behind a constant foggy cloud. And truly an odd thing, but driving this morning I noticed that my world seemed bigger. My perspective of the lanes on the highway was that they were wider than just a few days ago when I drove those same roads pre-surgery.

I will clearly need some readers, those stylish magnifiers that help you read close up, because I chose not to have multi-focal lenses. Would have loved to banish the old-eyes presbyopia, but the cost for those lenses was definitely prohibitive right now. I will be on the lookout for a stylish chain to hang my cheaters from around my neck I think.

I am off in a bit to have a follow-up check of the eye. Even now, less than 24 hours post-op, I can tell that the vision is my left eye is lacking. I knew the cataract in that eye wasn’t as bad, but I never noticed it really much at all, apparently because the right really was that bad. 

I wonder just how big and bright my world will appear once I have a new left lens as well?

 

 

Onward we go…

So folks, another step in the process. I admit that this one was harder than I thought it would be, but it’s another that I can put behind me.

I have an appointment with an attorney on March 6th. To discuss divorce. Five days after my first cataract is removed. I guess when I set my mind to doing something, and the ball finally gets rolling, it all seems to fall into place in a hurry.

I had a moment of panic when I was told the consultation fee, then even more panic when I was told the hourly fee, then straight up fear when I was told the minimum retainer should I decide to hire her. Note to anyone interested: lawyers make a whole lot of money. I suppose you already knew that though.