Where to begin except to simply begin.
I am saying adios to blogging for a time. I’m not deleting the blog. I’m not going away entirely. I am just feeling very much like what I write, or even if I write, will be for myself for now.
I want to be succinct here, but I know that I won’t be. Getting to the point and moving on is supposed to be easy, but I struggle every day with issues related to points, and decisions, and moving beyond, or forward. Those things have formed a circular pattern that, right now, I can’t seem to get myself out of. I know what I need. I know what I need to do, and I feel stuck swirling around a black hole because I simply can’t finish the process.
I started this blog on another site as an extension of a personal journal written about me for my kids. I don’t think they really cared, and that writing became difficult to sustain. I made some life decisions and felt as if I had found a new voice, one that I might be able to share in a more public way. Thus IATIW evolved. This blog has always been a glorified journal, although at various times I’ve tried to engage in dialog pertaining to more than just my occasional vacation, or senile cat, or garden, or granddaughter. I have the exposure to academics to thank for those attempts at broader commentary. All of the conversations that have focused on social issues have been so very important to me and to sustaining this blog for the last 4 years. Yet, if I am honest with you and myself, every post-every conversation-every new idea or journey documented here, has not led to the satisfaction that I think I need or deserve.
I’ve spent a great deal of time looking back lately, over old posts. Some were simply hangers-on from the original site. Others were the frivolous thoughts and random junk that would have been better placed on a FB status update, or simply kept to myself. Those are mostly all gone from the archives. When, or if this blog makes a return, especially if the return is in this format, I want the posts that remain to be ones that created conversations, that allowed me to get to know other bloggers, that allowed me to make some wonderful online friends. Many would have cautioned me not to remove the odds and ends. Those posts were a part of a specific time and place in my blogging world. They told a story even if I believe them to be inconsequential. Maybe, at some point, I will regret that they are gone.
I’ve also spent a great deal of time reading, really reading, the messages presented by the blogs that I follow. I’ve said before, I follow blogs for reasons that resonate with me. Some are very deep and personal blogs. Others are lighter, with the writers clearly meaning to highlight the positives in their lives and bring humor to the bloggers who read their posts. Each blog serves a separate purpose. I looked once more at my words. It’s been 4 years and I still don’t know my purpose. I still remain unable to say what I really hold inside. And I question if screaming all those thoughts and emotions to the blogging world is really what I want to present anyway. There are days that I find so much negativity in both the world around me, and in my own emotions and words. I feel a weight growing heavier because I can’t seem to find the key that will allow me to write what I think I want to write. I’m tired of writing here with the inability to form a true direction. Sunshine and roses and bluffing my way through happy posts isn’t in the cards either. Why pretend to be happy when the truth is I’m not.
All of this… all of the doubts about why I write, about the content and purpose of this blog, about expression and voice and who or what I am is absolutely a reflection of the me you don’t know away from these pages. That person needs to work on figuring out what is, what to do and where to head. Dragging you all along through what often seems like never-ending cycles of complaints and indecision isn’t fair, isn’t gratifying, and isn’t necessary, although so many of you deserve high praise for your words and comments as I have jumped from place to place and idea to idea.
How long away, and what the end result will be is unknown. I still have a powerful need to write. When my fingers are too long away from a keyboard I feel physically driven to put something down, to let the world know that I’m still searching and trying. That need may explain some of the drivel that is now gone from my older pages.
I have no intention of not being involved with all of you though. The blogs that I read and interact with feel like a lifeline much of the time. You all allow me to begin, or end my days with friendship, and that is a gift that I’m not about to put aside. I will be reading, and commenting, and waiting anxiously for news about houses, and animals, and personal growth, and retirement, and careers, and activism.
Thank you all for your friendship, for what and how you write, for sharing yourselves, and for allowing me to hold you as a continued presence in my world.