Stages

I think we all know what is going to happen on Friday. I’ve chosen to steer clear of most things political on this blog. I have enough negativity going on in my personal life. I can’t add more negativity and dread about the future by bringing up the next four years.

I can however, acknowledge that the emotions I have felt since November have paralleled my own emotional journey through the process of a failed marriage.

There was that initial denial. I remember going to bed on election night as the numbers became painfully clear and pointed toward the most ridiculous outcome I could imagine. I know that I’ve laid in bed on countless nights, not ready to acknowledge the fact that the total number of years of unhappiness in my marriage turned out to be greater than the happy ones.

Anger filled those first few weeks after the election, and it was wrongly directed mostly at all those who voted for DT. There was name calling, there was blame, there was bitterness. Anger has filled me in my personal life for way too long and I want it to go away. I have gained some control, but it still rears it’s head. Right now, I can’t completely avoid the source of anger in my marriage, but I have chosen purposefully to remove myself from most of what passes as news concerning DT. I will not be tuning in for his big moment on Friday.

I’ve invested in bargaining with countless others who have looked for a means to oust DT before he officially becomes the President. It’s not going to happen folks. I have contemplated all the what if’s, and if only’s, and again, we are stuck with this man. I have had to bargain with myself, over and over, while trying to push forward to see an end, and thus a new beginning, for my life. I’ve contemplated my personal what if’s and if only’s and finally come to terms with the here and now, leaving the past behind…mostly…unless it’s been a bad day and I have too much time to think.

The bargaining must go on however, literally it must go on, so that this entire process can be finalized to suit our future lives as separate entities. I want to hope that we can do that easily.

I imagine that most of us who had different expectations after that night in November have, or are still dealing with depression. I was surprised at the great amount of sadness and regret I felt in the days following the election. Like real tears sadness and a deep sense of loss. I console myself that this will only be 4 short years of madness and crazy and hate. The sadness and regret that has come with marriage failure has been deep and profound, but it has been a process over many years. I am so very tired of being miserable and so very ready to move forward and say goodbye.

Finally, with Friday looming large, I have to simply and clearly acknowledge that our country is in an indescribable state of flux. I only hope that we survive. My own goal is a bit farther away, but change is still a huge part of my personal world. I accept, and value that change though. I don’t fear it as I do many of the transformations that America faces in the months and years ahead.

With a little luck, both myself and our country will come through all of this and out the other side stronger. We can’t let ourselves believe anything differently.

 

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4 thoughts on “Stages”

  1. While HRC was running I dreamed that tomorrow would be the most magical day ever, BUT that’s not going to happen now, is it? I’m resigned to this reality and plan to resist. I’ll be a small pebble in the shoe of The Donald, annoying Trumpkins whenever & wherever I find them. A simple goal, but one that I’m hoping will give me a sense of purpose during the next 4 years.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have had a similar problem: how to process the realities of this election at the same time as stark griefs and stresses in my personal life, and to do so without feeling completely drowned by either. I cannot yet look at the totality of either without feeling squashed. And I REFUSE to come this far in facing and correcting my personal ish just to let myself squash out now. So, yeah. I’m right there with ya, sister.

    Am working to stay very, very kind and and compassionate with myself. To be the tortoise, not the hare (as it were). Because as you and I each get through our ish, as we get stronger as individuals in our new realities, we also get stronger to continue raising our voices as members of this polity.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It has seemed rather selfish, in light of all that we face socially, to keep trying to put those issues aside and focus on me…but that’s also cause focusing on me isn’t something that I’ve ever done, so there’s that as well. I feel this double edged sword strongly–going back to college to finish a degree helped to open my eyes (again) to my personal values and beliefs yet also opened the floodgates to the world as well. Right now it has to be a thoughtful choice to jump in to the big picture, or step back still and take care of the immediate first. It’s getting easier to believe that I matter as well…Stay strong my friend, on all fronts 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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