Men

There are men that I don’t like very much right now.

There are many reasons that I don’t feel very fond of men in general, and of some men in particular.

I do have a soft spot in my heart for older men though, and I realize that this has been the case for a long time.

So many of the older gentlemen who were patients of mine over the years during my dental career were wonderful. Of course they may have smelled a little sometimes, or needed to trim their ear hair, or those long wiry eyebrows. They may even have said some things that I could easily have taken offense to, sexist things that for the men of their generation were common, and accepted. For those men I would just smile, choosing not to take exception to their off-hand comments.

Those older men were bent, and often shaky. Their clothing hung off bodies that I assume were once strong and healthy and fit. They had a hard time hearing or seeing or both.

I found myself looking at them, and listening to their stories and wondering what life had been like for them. I had a few that were nasty. Curmudgeon is the word of choice for them, but I always assumed (perhaps incorrectly) that they might simply be lonely, or sad, or fearful of what was coming in the short time they had left.

I often found myself, at one point or another in our conversation, giving these older men a brief touch on their arm or hand. No, I didn’t ask, and yes it was clearly an invasion of their personal space, but I never had one complain or pull away. And I know that non-complaint doesn’t make it right. It did however, seem like it was important to connect with each of them, to say to them “I hear you and you’re important.”

This act of touching happened again for me, just the other day and it has made me wonder, in light of my own views on sexism and inappropriate behavior exhibited by men toward women, if I am just as guilty as I would assume a man to be if he felt it necessary to touch my arm or hand uninvited.

I was in the grocery store. It was the morning of the Super Bowl and the lines were LONG. I didn’t have a lot in my cart and neither did the older man behind me. A lady in the line next to us commented that we both might fit the “20 items or less criteria” and move to the line that had no one in it. Each of us decided to stay put, but we thanked her for her suggestion.

When my turn came I unloaded my cart and placed the divider thingy down. I also tried to move my cart up as far as possible so the man behind me could start unloading his stuff. By that time we’d been waiting in line for a good 15 minutes or longer. He hung back with his groceries and the space on the belt was wide open the entire way before he began unloading. He slowly put one item after another down. Two quarts of milk. Some lettuce. Hot dogs and buns. I had a feeling that he was trying not to crowd me or push forward too fast. I was still stuck, unmoved because the person who had just finished was chatting while having issues with their payment.

Something made me begin rearranging his groceries, moving them up to fill the open space while I rather offhandedly said, “Oh here, let’s get this moving. We’ve been here long enough.”

I can honestly say that I’ve never overstepped like that before. I don’t make it a routine practice to tell people how to put their groceries on the belt, nor do I typically jump in and handle their items either. He chuckled though and said, “When you’re over 80, you have all time in the world. I’m in no hurry.”

It was at that point that I noticed his ice cream tub and I asked him if he planned to eat the whole tub himself. What was I thinking! First I take charge of the man’s groceries then I insinuate that he would seriously consider eating a gallon size tub of ice cream. The final straw to all this was that as I was insulting his eating habits I also, without any thought to him or his comfort, automatically reached out and touched his forearm.

So there it was. I was, apparently without regard, touching another nice older man just like I had done on numerous occasions without considering that I might be offending him or making him uncomfortable.

I can only guess that my actions started during my dental career as a means to try to connect with, or reassure fearful patients. It wasn’t just older men that I would gently touch. I held kids hands. I have placed my hand over women’s hands, or given a female patient the same forearm touch. I’ve even gently patted the shoulder of a patient on occasion. I’ve often wondered though if I feel a connection to older men because I see my dad in these men. Do I feel a need to connect on a physical level, even so very briefly, with them because I miss the ability to do that with my dad?

I haven’t begun stalking men over 70, or randomly reaching out to inappropriately touch the arms of senior men I pass so I have hope that I can keep this in check.

By the way, the man behind me in line…he was shopping for his wife who was on crutches and couldn’t walk. The ice cream was for her…

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10 thoughts on “Men”

  1. I do this all the time at work! To both men, and women, but usually they are elderly (and if not, they are usually crying). I also usually put a hand on someone’s shoulder as I am seeing them out (usually when saying, “sorry, we need to send you to the ER”). I think you can usually gauge a person’s comfort level based on their body language to determine if they are going to be totally disgusted by a stranger touching them or not. I’ve never had someone say something or pull away from a touch on the hand or arm. But I hope I have not made someone uncomfortable by doing this. I always ask first before hugging someone… but this is usually a pretty rare occurrence.

    Generally, older men are the most common group of people to reach out and touch my hand or arm (or more, but that’s another story!!) when working.

    It is interesting how touch is a socially acceptable practice when being done by a woman or an elderly person! Thanks for this perspective!

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    1. I don’t think it’s odd given a healthcare profession at all and I agree, you can usually figure out if a patient would be uncomfortable. It just seems strange when I really think about it, that I continue to do this even now so far removed from my job.

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  2. I’m a touch-y feel-y person, and if you are within reach, and we’re sharing a story, I’ll probably at some point, reach out and touch your arm or your shoulder.

    I may have to re-think this practice – I am aware of the personal space issue, but I’ve never considered my “reaching out” to be of questionable intent. Well, it isn’t, from my end. But the receiver might feel differently, right?

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    1. I know. I’ve never thought twice about it, until I’ve had this experience a few time since leaving my career. And I’m not really touch-y feel-y unless I am with a patient so it’s odd, and comes with harmless intent, but in light of where we are in our world, and my views on the touching of women by men I felt a need to question myself.

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  3. Interesting look at how you behave. Self-awareness is good. I doubt that any older gentleman would think a thing about your behavior. In fact, I’d bet that they’d be flattered by a light touch, a grocery nudge, a chance to talk with a younger woman. I rarely spontaneously touch men, but will sometimes touch a woman on the arm or hand. I know it’s considered overstepping, but yet in some situations it seems the right thing to do. To show support, condolences, a shared sense of humor. I dunno, maybe good to do, maybe not.

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    1. It’s odd for sure, especially if I don’t try to justify it in some way with my previous career so I have to wonder if I would do it if I was an engineer, or laborer, or something not associated with a “helping profession”?

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      1. Deb, that’s an interesting question. Is it the profession or is it the personality, regardless of profession, that drives this kind of behavior? I wonder, too, if it’s a reflection of where your childhood? As a kid visiting family in the south everyone hugged the stuffing out of me, but up north there was less of that behavior.

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        1. No one was hugged much or was at all touchy, and we know that my present marital situation is null and void on that so now I can add an overwhelming need for attention and love to this behavior as well! I may consider getting a pet… 😉

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